Looking With New Eyes

 It has been a year since I blogged. I really miss blogging so very much, but I have been so busy and my computer is messed up and won't let me blog (now that Abigail has an iPad I can blog on that when she lets me:D). I was looking at a blog I wrote January of last year but never posted. Not sure why, just didn't.  Some things that have happened lately made me think of this post.

On vacation this past month, my stepbrother's girlfriend became quiet ill and had to go to the ER. We rode down with them in the elevator and I felt strong  urge to pray for her. She has a rock look, what people now days refer to as emo. I thought to myself I doubt she wants me to pray with her. But as I as walking outside, I felt such a pull. I was once so much like this girl and now I'm scared I might offend her if I ask if she wants me to pray for her (just to be clear this trip was the first time I had met Tessie, so I had no idea if she would welcome prayer or not). So I went to ask her if she wanted me to pray for her and she said "please." How could I of all people decide who will accept God or not? If you ask people who remember me from high school I was probably on the "will never be a Christian even when pigs fly" list.

Tonight, I sat down to read this post I had saved in my blog drafts. After reading through it tonight, I decided to go ahead and post it As I wrote it then.  There are some typos at the bottom, including a their that should be a there ( one of my pet peeves), but the iPad won't let me scroll past a certain point, so please ignore them.

Written in January 2012:  Currently in our Sunday School class, we are studying understanding God's word.  Most of us that read the Bible have experienced that feeling of the light going on while reading a passage of familiar scripture...all of a sudden, it makes sense in a way that it never has before.  The teacher in our class pointed out that we see the Bible through the lens that is our life, and as we change, we are able to understand more and more layers of the book.  Since the Bible doesn't change, the original meaning still exists (if it was understood correctly the first time), but the meaning expands as we grow in God.



Last night, I was adding some new songs onto my ipod.  Although I listen to mostly Christian music, I do occasionally add some old songs onto it, but I always look over the lyrics first to make sure there is nothing objectionable in them (my memory on those things isn't the best).  As I was looking at some old songs lyrics from WAY back in the day (we are talking junior high here), I was shocked at the amount of hurt and pain in some of these songs.  Now I know that most of the music I listened to wasn't good for my spirit, but really seeing the pain in songs I knew better than I knew some of my relatives, was an eye opener.  I've always really got into music, not just the words, but the instruments and the feeling of the song.  And I seriously never realized the agnoy is some of the most beloved songs of my youth.  And more to the point, most of the songs really don't contain anything "demonic."  However there is no question these songs have spirits in them, spirits of depression, angst, suicide, and lust.  They are certainitly not good listening choices for someone trying to live a Christian life.  But they were penned by a human in deep pain.  A human that isn't all bad, a human that is just consumed with the things life has dealt out.  Here is an example of what I mean from an old favorite:

Disarm you with a smile

And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you

Ooh, the years burn

Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy

So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone

That particular song was written my a man who was deeply hurt as a young child by his parents.  The author of the song (and since I don't want to promote this particular music, I'm not going to list
the artist, feel free to google the lyrics if you would like to know), has publicly stated that he wrote this song as a way to express to his parents how he felt about his childhood.  And when he sings it, you can literally hear the extreme pain in his voice.  I'm not going to lie and say that I don't like this song anymore, because I do.  I remembered most of the words and melodies (not just for this particular song, but the whole album) even though I hadn't heard them in several years. 

This pic reminds me of myself and my best friends in 10th grade during our grunge phase...always wearing a flannel.

I've always had an "I'll show you" type of attitude.  When I was in college, I decided to take Microbiology for one of my science courses.  It sounded pretty interesting for a science class.  On the first day of class, the instructor (this was at community college, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't a prof) had us go around the room and introduce ourselves along with stating our major.  When he found out I was majoring in teaching (the rest of the room was nursing), he basically told me I should drop the class, it would be too hard for me.  Well guess who made 100% on the first test?  I think that's why I chose to travel the path I did in high school instead of hanging with the smart kids.  Ignore me, I don't think so!  I say all this to point out that when you see someone all piereced and dressed in black they are probably not devil possessed.  They are probably just so full of pain, they don't know what else to do.  They are telling the "normal" people, see I don't need you.  I'm different, original, and way cooler than you.  Now I'm not saying that "normal" looking people don't need God or don't have deep wounds.  But I have really noticed that some Christians seem almost scared of someone who is expressing their pain on the outside with clothing choices, hairstyles, etc.



Now I'm going to relate a story here that I'm not proud of.  I was a concert goer in high school, nothing was more fun than going to Lubbock to hear my favorite bands.  I loved it all, the music, moshing, crowd surfing...even after I got dropped on my head!  Of course, I always had to buy a t-shirt at these concerts, I think that's a law or something!  After one concert, I was wearing my new shirt to school.  Now I'd worn several controveserial shirts before, but this one was the end all of controversey.  Now before yall freak out on me, please know that this was the name of a song or album by a death metal band,  and I honestly just wore it for shock effect and the fact that is was a concert shirt, and it was cool I had gone to this conert.  The shirt said "Say You Love Satan" on the back of it.  You better believe I got sent to the office for wearing that!  The funny part of the story is that I was told to report to the office after lunch.  Since I knew why I was being call into the office, I ran home and changed into a "Save the Trees" type shirt.  Mr. Bizzel, the vp, was a little confused at first, so that was pretty comical!  But even though I wore that shirt, God still forgave me and welcomed me with open arms.  God can save anyone, anyone at all.  All He needs is an open and willing spirit.  So the next time you see someone "scary", remember, God loves them too.

People in our world are in so much  pain.  I know the group I hung around with in high school was made up of people that had deep wounds in their lives.  And although it wasn't the best enviornment in the world, it was formed with people who cared about each other.  And I know it sounds a little funny to be thankful for that, but when I think about it, I really am.  At least I wasn't alone, at least I had friends who loved me the best that they could.  It just wasn't enough, but it never is.  Even the love of the best Christian spouse in the world isn't enough.  So many people don't realize that the pain they were in would never be dulled by the things of this world (or for that matter good Christan friends and spouses), and that their really is a God who loves you and is waiting with open arms.  No one can take His place.  

Thank you God for not just finding me, but for accepting me as bruised and broken as I was.  Covered in sin, with very little to offer.  Thank you for letting my cry in my arms, and taking my pain and replacing it with joy.  Even when I fall, you are there to urge me back onto the right path.